I decided that if I really, really tried to come up with an interesting vehicle for an article, I could possibly come up with a Pulitzer prize winning piece that spurred the interest of Magic fans everywhere. It would be full of insight, humour, sharp wit and biting commentary all while being a totally original format.

Then I gave up on that idea and just wrote this piece instead.

In the finest tradition of media everywhere, instead I decided to rip off a certain fairly famous Magic author and turn inanimate and incorporeal objects into living breathing objects who could speak for themselves.

And speak for themselves they will have to, for you see, I’ve rounded up the usual suspects and I’m shining the bright lights on them – McCarthy style - all at once to defend themselves from the most terrible punishment once can inflict on a card in Classic country – restriction.

Classic: OK boys and girls, you all know exactly why you’re here – ove… yes, you doll face, what have you got to say? Make it quick.

Black Vise: I don’t know why I’m here!

Classic: It’s pretty simple – you’re here because you’ve gotten mages everywhere upset for years uncounted, and even though you’ve not got your citizenship, I had you brought in to make a point.

Black Vise: But I served my time. Truly, I won’t get people mad anymore. I’ll just do as I’m told! They let me go free over in Vintage and I haven’t bothered a soul! Please, gimme a chance. I’ll play nice!

Mind Twist: Of let, if her you’ll me course someday too have you in, to let in.

Classic: Uhhhhh…

Skullclamp: Oh, yeah, don’t let him get on your nerves. That’s just what he does. He says you’ll have to let him in too someday.

Classic: Creepy. But to answer your question, Vise, I didn’t bring you in to tell you that you’d be restricted – quite the opposite. You are probably harmless, and wanted to make that point first.

And speaking of probably harmless, how is that electric band that we put on you Clamp? Still keeping you 30 feet away from truly degenerate company?

Skullclamp: Well I had some problems a while back, and the Elves keep trying to tempt me in. You know, those electric shocks aren’t very nice.

Classic: Well you know it’s for the best. We’ll probably take it off sometime soon – as soon as he shows up. Heck, we might need you then.

Dream Halls: Who? Who? Is it Justin Timberlake?

Fastbond: I can’t believe they bother to keep anyone as dumb as you out of anywhere. Meat-head, he’s talking about him.

Dream Halls: Ohhhhh. Him… Yeah. Of course… I loved him in Tropic Thunder.

Fastbond: Gawd you’re useless.

Dream Halls: You’re just mad because they only let you play under supervision.

Fastbond: At least I get played, meathead.

Classic: That’s enough you two. Now look, he was the only guy we couldn’t bring in here just by asking. We know that some of you don’t like him. Some of you are jealous, some of you are scared, and some of you think the only reason you’re here is because of him.

Lion’s Eye Diamond: I know it is.

Burning Wish: Me too.

Frantic Search: Ibetifhewasn’taround, I’dbefine.

Classic: Pardon?.

Frantic Search: Isaid: I’llbetifhewasn’taround, I’dbefine.

Classic: Look, I don’t know what you just said, but you’re here because of where you live – not who you know. I know that sounds terribly prejudice, but there’s nothing we can do – it’s just the wrong side of town. When we amalgamate with that district, I’m going to have to restrict the lot of you who’ve taken up a permanent resident at the Academy.

Crop Rotation: Even me?

Classic: Even you. Now, getting back to tracking him down. Is there anyone who can help?

Black Lotus: I can help. I’ve worked with him a lot in the past

Classic: Yeah, I’m not too sure that’s a good idea. Come to think of it, I didn’t even invite you nine here. You just have to show up and make a scene everywhere, don’t you? We already know where you and your gang stand. You’re not citizens here, but you know what’ll happen if you ever decide to apply. You can leave.

<Black Lotus, the Moxen, Ancestral Recall and Time Walk Leave>

Classic: Timetwister, what are you still doing here?

Timetwister: I haven’t really felt like one of the gang for a while. Even when I’m involved, I know Time Walk is talking to Mox Sapphire behind my back. They don’t think I’ve got what it takes anymore.

Classic: Well, it’s unlikely you’ll ever get a citizenship here, but let me assure you if you do, it’ll be a restricted one. Get out of here and tell your pals that if they think you can’t cut it anymore.

Timetwister: I haven’t really felt like one of the gang for a while. Even when I’m involved, I know Time Walk… do you ever have déjà vu?

Classic: I’ll bet you get that a lot. Now scram.

Windfall: Wait – does that mean I'll be restricted too?

Classic: Can you draw a whole bunch of extra cards in an unbalanced manner for a low cost?

Windfall: Well, yes.

Classic: Well than I’m afraid it’s restriction for you. That means you too, Memory Jar.

Memory Jar: Huh? Why am I here? What’s going on? Who are you?

Gush: Excuse me, but I just wanted to say I think you’re doing a wonderful job here. I can’t begin to tell you how happy I’ve been for the past while. I mean, it’s just *sooo* nice to finally be appreciated, after all the problems I’ve had over in Vintage. Sure I probably made a lot more trouble over there than I should have with some of my friends over there, but here it’s been *sooo* great and I just *love* it here.

Classic: Listen sister, I’ve got your number. You’re essentially out on bail. Enjoy your time here while you can, it won’t last forever. As soon as your partner in crime gets here, you’ll both be trouble, I’m sure. Yes, I’m looking at you, Fastbond.

Fastbond: Yeah, yeah. I hear ya. Can I go now? I’ve got to get back to my solitary life.

Classic: I’ll be keep an eye out for your residency application. Speaking of which, I hear we’ve got two new applicants. Will you two step forward?

<Demonic Tutor and Balance step forward>

Classic: Ok, is says here you have your citizenship. Unfortunately, both of you are only allowed restricted citizenry.

Demonic Tutor : I figured as much.

Balance: Wait! Why me? I’m telling you, I’m harmless without the really bad guys around. All I do is keep things even!

Classic: Yeah, well that’s what you keep saying, but it’s just not true, is it? I mean, sure, you claim to not take sides, but then what about that little incident with those 14 Goblins? That was a massacre! They didn’t see it coming! The mage that summoned them was appalled.

Balance: Well the other mage was defenseless – it was an unfair fight!

Classic: Sure he was. He was really defenseless… except after that, what happened?

Balance: Well, uh… <mumbles>

Classic: I’m sorry, I didn’t hear that.

Balance: He destroyed several districts in the process.

Classic: Exactly. Case closed. I mean, buddy, forget artifacts and enchantments – have you even heard of planeswalkers?

Balance: I’ll just show myself out now.

Classic: OK, look the best way to get through this is to go through the list. I guess we’ll get to him soon enough. Next on the application list – Oh boy. Dream Halls.

Dream Halls: (Singing to himself) I love you, you love me, we’re a happy…

Classic: Righty ho – well, you might be a big un, but people would be stupid to try and abuse you.

Dream Halls: Really?! I can go free? Oh boy! Oh boy!

Classic: What a mook. Next I see Mox Diamond. Well, I think you’ve probably proven yourself to be unproblematic. We’ll keep our eye on you, but I think we’re going to all right. At least you’re no worse than some of the other crazy things that happen around here

Mox Diamond: Woot! I’ve got full access to everywhere, baby! I’m going to rub it in those other Moxes faces!

Classic: Next up – oh great. I can tell you I haven’t been looking forward to this one. Oath of Druids.

Oath of Druids: What’s wrong with me? I’m just doing what everyone wants – playing creatures! Attacking with big, fatty creatures! Who doesn’t like that?

Classic: Well, that’s true, but see, the problem is you are too good at your job. Cheating big fatties into play from say, the graveyard, is fine. Uncounterably cheating fatties into play from your library every turn for so little investment is probably a little strong.

Oath of Druids: A little strong? You’ve got clamp over there drawing 2 for 1 for 1 mana! I cost at least two mana to get started. We’re both active on the same turn.

Classic: Yes, but then, once you are going, there’s no stopping you. Let’s face it, you’re an enchantment, which is hard enough to get rid of, and to boot, once you are in play it’s not like you need mana for anything else. You can just spend it countering anything that might target *you*.

Oath of Druids: Krosan Grip can’t be stopped.

Classic: Yes, but then that’s a pretty small window. Still, duly noted. But look, you are probably going to make a lot of decks look silly. Here in classic, we are used to being able to throw creatures out and tap for the win. What good is a Tarmogoyf or Tombstaker versus Akroma or Hellkite Overlord or Darksteel Colossus? I know you are good buddies with them.

Oath of Druids: Heh. I’ve got a new pal. I little slower, but he gets the job done. He’s new. Progenitus – you heard of him?

Classic: Exactly what I’m talking about. Classic might not be ready for that.

Oath of Druids: Look, I could stand here all day and talk about how you’ve let Clamp stick himself in the neck of every creature. Or how you’ve got Entomb and Mind’s Desire playing hopscotch - they’re not even busy. Or how you’ve got a tutor that can get anything as an instant for 1 mana. But I will say this: I’m pretty sure if you can have 4 of anything that can draw 1 card for 1 life, you can sure as heck let me roam free. And I don’t even combo out and win the game in one turn. I actually attack. Long term, you are going to need me.

Classic: OK, point taken. You can stay. Next on the list …

Yawgmoth’s Will: I HAVE COME.

Classic: Oh, here we go with the dramatic entrances

Yawgmoth’s Will: YOU WILL KNEEL BEFORE ME. RESTRICTIONS CAN NOT HOLD ME BACK

Classic: Yeah, we get it. Look Will, it just means that in order to keep you down, we’re just going to have to go ahead and restrict anything that can find you easily. How does that make you feel, Demonic Consultation and Mystical Tutor?

Mystical Tutor: Well pretty lousy. But I was prepared for it.

Enlightened Tutor: Woot! Does that mean I get to go free?

Classic: Oh – sorry Enlightened Tutor. I missed you – no I think you’re fine for now. But you’re on our list. Now onto…

Demonic Consultation: <interrupting> Ahem - I was prepared for that answer, but I thought I could avoid it if I showed you the stats on how often a single restricted card is on the top 6 cards of the decks I’m searching though. Look, I brought this pie chart…

Classic: That’s a nice chart – I’m guessing that small grey slice are the times you end up making things a terrible mess for the mage who casts you. But see, I have my own pie chart. You see this thin sliver of a piece right here?

Demonic Consultation: Not really. I don’t see it.

Classic: That’s because it’s almost microscopic. Here – use this magnifying glass.

Demonic Consultation: Oh yeah – there it is. What’s it represent?

Classic: That represents the chances of an opponent winning after someone has resolved Yawgmoth’s Will.

Demonic Consultation: Oh. So it’s just us two?

Classic: Oh good lord no. There’s Burning Wish, who’s hiding over there behind the curtain, but doing a poor job because he’s lit them on fire. And Lion’s Eye Diamond – her “drawback” is pretty much negated. Then there’s Entomb. Contrary to what Oath said earlier, Entomb is a probably too risky, since he’s in many ways worse than you are. Lotus Petal is much too good. She’s nearly as bad as Black Lotus without Will. Lastly, Necropotence will have to be restricted as well.

Necropotence: What? Me? Why?

Classic: Seriously, how many times have you gotten away from bannings or restrictions? It’s a marvel. Look just because you have some built-in fail safes doesn’t mean that you aren’t ridiculously good at getting what you want. And that includes enough ways to go get Mr. Melodrama over here…

Yawgmoth’s Will: PUNY MORTAL. YOU WILL SUFFER ETERNALLY FOR YOUR INSOLENCE.

Classic: Ugh. Anyway, sorry but there’s nothing for it, Skullboy. You’ve got to go too. Now clear out of here.

Yawgmoth’s Will: VERY WELL. YOU WILL COME TO REGRET THIS DAY.

Classic: I think someone else has many other regrets concerning you. Mark told me to say hi.

Now’s who’s next. Ah – Tolarian Academy. How are things at school?

Tolarian Academy: Not that great – you know I’m barely used in Vintage these days. And yeah, I’m sure I’d be good in some artifact based-decks, but it’s not like every deck would want me. After all, without the moxen…

Classic: Save it. Just because your P9 buddies aren’t applying for citizenship doesn’t mean you aren’t broken beyond belief. In fact, you are #2 on the hit list. Consider yourself restricted. Frantic Search, you can follow him.

Frantic Search: Rats.StupidTolarianAcademybeingsogooduntappinglandsforfreeistoopowerful. ItsnotlikeWastelandcouldn’ttakemattersintohisownhands.

Yawgmoth’s Bargain: Look, I know you are going to call me next, but I got a deal for ya.

Classic: Actually, Tinker is, but I can never remember which came first, Destiny or Legacy anyway, so lemme hear it.

Yawgmoth’s Bargain: Yeah, well, it works like this. You see you let me off unrestricted, and I promise that I’ll start a slander campaign against any non-creature card with a casting cost over 4. That way there will be a whole group of mindless mages who follow too many rules who think just because I cost 6 that I’m not useful. And then the meta will be fine, see?

Classic: Do you honestly think there are enough people dumb enough to fall for that? I mean, Mind’s Desire once took a pre-emptive restriction over in Vintage. It costs six. And Memory Jar once took an emergency banning. Sorry no deal. Now, back to the list – Tinker?

Tinker: Look, no argument from me. I’m just an honest worker who does what he’s told. I know what you are going to say. But look, how come Oath of Druids can cheat fatties into play and I get restricted for doing almost essentially the same thing?

Classic: It’s a matter of conditions. Oath needs the opponent to play a creature or find his own very specific card, like Forbidden Orchard. You barely need anything. An artifact. That’s not much of a requirement.

Tinker: But there’s no moxen. And Sol Ring and Mana Vault haven’t applied for membership. The good artifacts aren’t here yet.

Mana Crypt: Hey guys – I was kinda lost and I just saw all my old pals in here. What’s up guys?

Tinker: Crap. Well there’s not MANY good artifacts.

Classic: Sorry Tinker. I like you – you’re a nice guy and all but you are just too abusive.

OK… Gush is already taken care of... That means you are under the gun, Fact or Fiction.

Fact or Fiction: Which is worse, solitary play or no play at all?

Classic: Sorry, I fail to see what you are getting at.

Fact or Fiction: What I mean is, if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?

Classic: …

Fact or Fiction: <Frustrated> Could an omnipotent being make a riddle so puzzling even it could not answer it?

Classic: Look buddy, I’ll ask the questions around here…

Fact or Fiction: <Really Frustrated> Which came first, the chicken or the egg?!

Trinisphere: Can I go to the bathroom?

Classic: Enough questions!

Gifts Ungiven: Don’t mind Fact so much, honey. She only knows how to talk in puzzles and riddles.

Classic: Oh, I see. Well she’s fine for now. We’ll take another look in if too much artifact acceleration makes a four mana draw card worth abusing. But as for you Gifts Ungiven…

Gifts Ungiven: Are you going to restrict me? Tie me up? Oooohhhh.. I might like that.

Classic: uhhh…

Gifts Ungiven: I think I’ll just lie down here, just like this. Is it hot in here? I’ll just undo a couple of these buttons…

Classic: OK, <gulp> Gifts you can go free. I probably shouldn’t because with Will around he’ll probably just use you the way he uses everybody. Still, you do cost 4 mana. Just don’t go far, ok?

Gifts Ungiven: You got it, sweety.

Classic: Hey you, who are you? Yeah you – hiding in the back

Grim Monolith: Uh me. I’m uh… no one, sir.

Classic: Hey I know you. Grim Monolith. Wait… why are you here?

Grim Monolith: Uh, I think it’s because I tap for more mana than I cost to play.

Classic: Oh right. Boy, you look haggard. I barely recognized you. It wasn’t until I started all the talk about artifact acceleration that I even noticed you.

Grim Monolith: I have a lot of lonely nights. Nobody really uses me anymore. I don’t even remember the last time I was part of a winning decklist of any kind.

Classic: Wow. You are right. Well, you definitely have all the signs of degeneracy on you, but they are muddied by your haggard appearance. Maybe it’s time you had a chance. I think we’ll let you go free.

Grim Monolith: Really? Can my friends Sol Ring and Mana Vault go free when they get here?

Classic: No.

Grim Monolith: How about Metalworker?

Classic: Now that you mention that, I’m going to have to call him in. I’ll put this tag on the both of you. It will let me know if you are making any trouble. Get into any decks that ruin this meta and it’ll be restriction for you, at least.

Grim Monolith: Woo hoo! Years and years of waiting! This might be my chance!

Classic: It just might. Now get out of here before I change my mind. Now, next up… where’s Trinisphere?

Skullclamp: He went to the bathroom.

Classic: Bah, you know what, let him stay there. He’s no bother to anyone until Mishra’s Workshop shows up. Then we’ll have the whole place up in arms about duels decided by a coin flip.

Brainstorm, Ponder and Merchant Scroll: <as a three-headed body> What about us?

Classic: What about you?

Brainstorm head: Well I was thinking we could go free since the other blue cards seemed to get off the hook.

Ponder head: I was thinking the same thing.

Brainstorm head: Of course you were thinking the same thing. You always think the same thing as me only after I’ve already said it.

Ponder head: That’s not true.

Brainstorm head: Oh really? Look, ask me a question.

Classic: What’s your favourite colour?

Brainstorm head: Blue. Now ask him

Classic: Ponder, what’s your favourite colour?

Ponder head: Well, uh… under the circumstances…blue.

Brainstorm head: What a surprise.

Ponder head: I don’t always do whatever you do.

Brainstorm head: That’s true - you do even less. Because after I’ve done it, your job is pretty much moot, isn’t it?

Classic: Well look, enough arguing. Nothing is going to happen today with you three, and possibly not for some time. What about Merchant Scroll – has he got anything to say for himself?

Brainstorm head: He doesn’t talk much. He’s been comatose after getting his Vintage restriction notice for essentially doing the same thing he’s been doing for over a decade. He used to be a lot of fun before that. Real party animal

Classic: Well tell him to cheer up. And get out of here. Remember to turn sideways when you try to go out the door together.

<Everyone has cleared out>
<Classic picks up the phone, dials>

Classic: WoTC? Yeah – man, what a mess. Yeah, I cleaned it up... R&D wants to talk to me? Sure, put him on…

…

… What?! Who’s applied for membership?!

Great. Well I’ll look at them next time.